


In the Dark I Feel Alone

by RabbitsAreAwesome



Series: whumptober 2020 [8]
Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Claude angst, Claude is sad, Gen, I don't like hurting claude like this, Pre-Timeskip, Secretly soft Claude, Where did everybody go?, Whumptober 2020, he doesn't get it in this one, he needs love and attention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:27:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26907355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RabbitsAreAwesome/pseuds/RabbitsAreAwesome
Summary: Claude’s typical day in the Monastery went something like this:He’d wake up sometime before the morning class was to begin if he had even bothered to go to sleep the night before. He may or may not miss the morning prayer. While it wasn’t mandatory for students of the Monastery to attend, people tend to make a big deal when not one, but two out of the three next generation of Fodlan’s leadership didn’t attend. It caused rumors to spread and Claude lived in rumors. The more misinformation spread about him the less likely that his real secrets will be found out. The gossiping priests and knights and even students did half of the job for him. As long as Claude let slip some small lie or half-truth or mischievous scheme, the rumors lived. It was all in a day's work.Right day. His day. His typical day in the Officers Academy. Right. Well he wakes up sometimes early sometimes late sometimes he’s been up all night. He gets himself presentable and readies his signature smile (if it’s a little fragile a little wobbly he keeps practicing till it’s perfect). He doesn’t linger in his room long. He only ensures that any questionable texts or substances are safely tucked away.
Relationships: Golden Deer Students & Claude von Riegan
Series: whumptober 2020 [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1950856
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19
Collections: Whumptober 2020





	In the Dark I Feel Alone

Claude’s typical day in the Monastery went something like this: 

He’d wake up sometime before the morning class was to begin if he had even bothered to go to sleep the night before. He may or may not miss the morning prayer. While it wasn’t mandatory for students of the Monastery to attend, people tend to make a big deal when not one, but two out of the three next generation of Fodlan’s leadership didn’t attend. It caused rumors to spread and Claude lived in rumors. The more misinformation spread about him the less likely that his real secrets will be found out. The gossiping priests and knights and even students did half of the job for him. As long as Claude let slip some small lie or half-truth or mischievous scheme, the rumors lived. It was all in a day's work. 

Right day. His day. His typical day in the Officers Academy. Right. Well he wakes up sometimes early sometimes late sometimes he’s been up all night. He gets himself presentable and readies his signature smile ~~(if it’s a little fragile a little wobbly he keeps practicing till it’s perfect).~~ He doesn’t linger in his room long. He only ensures that any questionable texts or substances are safely tucked away. 

He usually meets Hilda on the way to class and the two will share the latest gossip from the day before or talk about what they expect to happen today. They walk in just in time for Teach’s lecture. It’s just right on the edge of arriving late and being on time. It never fails to get Lorenz riled up.

The class would begin and by lunch the deer the restless. Sitting down and staying still isn’t a strong suit for most of them. Claude wouldn’t admit it to anyone but he fits in that category as well. Claude knows better than a lot of people, and he says a lot of people because who knows what anyone has actually been through with so many secrets just out of sight, that it’s dangerous to set a pattern. It’s dangerous to set a readable pattern and to be in one place for too long. While Claude longs to just move and flutter about wherever he pleases but he’s learned to quell the urge. Instead he twirls his pencil or plays with his braid. He does those things often enough he hopes it hasn’t become a noticeably odd behavior. A tell for how anxious he gets. 

By the time the lunch bell rings, Claude is ready to dispel the energy that’s been building up all morning. And he’s not the only one either. Raphael and Leonie eagerly leave the classroom dragging along Ignatz and Lysithea, and Lysithea drags Cyril with them. Claude trails behind and will either ask Teach any question relating to their lecture or get into a ‘debate’ with Lorenz on the proper behavior of a noble. Not Claude’s fault that his definition of ‘proper’ wasn’t beaten into him like all the other nobles of Fodlan. He rather liked his definition better anyway. Not that he’d tell Lorenz. 

Hilda would usually butt in and drag both Claude and Marianne away. It was funny how Lorenz’s noble upbringing made him either blind to Hilda’s obvious manipulation or he was too ‘respectful’ to deny her anything. Claude didn’t really get along with him. Just too different. But he hoped one day, that maybe their differences wouldn’t matter.

So once the entirety of the Golden Deer were dragged in various degrees to the mess hall, that was where the real fun began. It wasn’t quite the feasts that Claude grew up with at home but it was a lot better than typical Fodlan meals. Being in the class with more commoners than nobles had its perks. Raphael and Leonie were the source of the loud and fun. They more often than not, somehow, they would rile the other so that the overall volume of sound arising from the table was enough to cover the other _boring_ conversations of the Black Eagles and Blue Lions. 

Eating was supposed to be fun. It was a way to bond over everything and nothing. There weren't significant conversations that were supposed to happen nor were there to be discussions of politics. How the nobles of Foldan were able to survive with politics taking up every waking moment of their day Claude didn’t know. 

It helped that his mischievous nature was for the most part accepted. It allowed for him to join in the slowly developing chaos that made up the Golden Deer. He was honestly looking forward to meal times more often than not. If only to see everyone relaxed and enjoying themselves. 

Lunch would end too soon for his liking. They would return to class and either spend the afternoon going over tactics or taking to the training grounds. Claude preferred tactics but he didn’t mind a good spare or two here and there. It was nice to see just how far his Deer have started to improve (he doesn’t know when he started thinking of them as _his_ Deer and he ~~likes~~ , doesn’t like how attached he’s grown to them). 

Once the evening bell rings, class is dismissed. And dinner is had. Another time for the Deer to bond and just be loud and have fun. Claude always enjoys evening meals the most. It was when the better, more filling meals were given out. He didn’t think about home. Not at all. He couldn’t afford to. It wasn’t because the Fodlan meals were bland and flavorless compared to the spices and heat that was always present in his food before. No food was ever treated as anything less than the best. It was one of the two things Almyra would stake their pride on. The food and their skill in combat. Not that that was the only thing Almyra took pride in, but these two things were treated above and beyond. Tasteless food and weak fights were an insult. 

But the company almost makes up for it, (Claude uses almost, because while he thinks the other deer won’t stab him in the back he just can’t take any chances; ~~some part of him knows that they would never hurt him~~ ~~)~~. After dinner, Claude does two things in his free time. He checks in with all of his, the deer. He makes his rounds and if he runs across one or two Blue Lions and Black Eagles, if they are the ones that he actually liked or couldn’t avoid, he’d interact with them too. 

He made a mental note of what everyone was doing. That would be important later. He then took some time for himself. He’d go around collecting information about everything from simple gossip to tales of extravagance or myths and legends. He’d absorb it all. He’d then find himself making his way to the library. He searches and hunts for any texts that either confirmed, contradicted, amended, or completely falsified any information he gathered. While there, he tries to find any text that Seteth may deem blasphemous. At the curfew bell, Claude will restack the books (except the ones that may never reappear) and heads to his room. He drops off any material he may have collected and then makes another round to check on the Golden Deer. He makes sure that all of the Deer had made it back to their rooms whether the occupants know it or not.

If anyone is missing, Claude takes it upon himself to check where they are based on their plans that he found out about earlier. He either finds them or waits for them to return. Again, he doesn’t let the others find out about this. It’s not paranoia if there’s someone really out to get ya. 

He remembers the one time Leonie didn’t return from her hunting trip with Petra till four bells passed curfew. Claude wasn’t anxiously awaiting their return. No he was just waiting in the shadows of the Monastery waiting for a scheme to play out. Exactly as planned. 

Once all the Deer are accounted for at least once by the end of the night (he wasn’t going to stalk them, he just made sure they were okay twice a day he knew he couldn’t check on them constantly) he made his way either back to the library or his room. He always had to sneak around the Knights but they had a pattern. One easily memorized. Again, it’s dangerous to be so predictable. 

So Claude would either read or test potions and poisons until he either passed out in exhaustion, slept in his bed when the words blurred too much or his hands became too shaky or he pushed through the day on no sleep. 

With that Claude would have finished a day. 

And then the sun would bring about a new dawn. 

So Claude began his day again. He gets himself presentable and readies his signature smile ~~(if it’s a little fragile a little wobbly he keeps practicing till it’s perfect).~~ He left his room and was surprised to see that Hilda wasn’t there waiting for him outside. He went to her room and knocked on the door. It wasn’t often Claude got ready before her as she actually got a normal healthy amount of sleep but it did happen. 

“Hilda. You awake?” Claude called out. 

“Just go on without me okay? I’ll be there.” Hilda’s strained voice came from behind the door. 

“Are you sure? Is everything alright in there?” 

“Just go Claude!” Hilda’s voice rang out.

Claude flinched. It wasn’t like Hilda to just yell at him for nothing. It was the morning what could he have possibly done already. 

“Alright I’ll go. You better be in class though, I can’t defend you from Teach when I tried to get you.” Claude tried to let the event roll off of him, but it was harder than usual. 

He walked alone to the Golden Deer class. The whispers that usually accompanied him increased in volume as he walked past. 

_Disgrace._

_Look at him, so relaxed._

_I heard he missed the morning prayer again._

_Does he not believe in the Goddess?_

_Heathen._

_Freak._

What was going on? Claude moved his hands from his side and brought them behind his head. If he dug into his scale a little no one was any the wiser. 

He waltzed into the Golden Deer class and was immediately met with two different reactions. There were those who glared at him and those who refused to acknowledge him. Even Teach who usually wore a blank expression when Claude did this gave him a certified look of disappointment. _Was that a hint of disgust._

No it was Teach. It can’t be that. 

Claude kept his smile on and made his way to his seat. The class began in earnest. And Hilda came trudging in, no one questioned her or glared. She sat next to Lorenz. Teach continued the lecture with a nod towards Hilda. This time, the lessons didn’t cover math or writing, it was about Fodlan. It was about all the things in Fodlan that Claude didn’t know. _He didn’t know._ Questions on proper Faerghus courting etiquette. Origins of the golden stag and the silver doe. _There’s a silver doe?_ The different meanings of gifting someone a weapon. _Okay that makes sense, in Almyra a challenge is initiated by handing someone your weapon point first, if the weapon is grabbed (it usually is) then it is returned blade first._ In Fodlan, handing someone a weapon point first meant that you were severing the bonds that tied you together and that the knife could be accepted or refused and it’d mean the same thing. _What?_

Claude didn’t know these things. Why were they learning this stuff? That was all the lesson was. Teach, please don’t ask me a question. Please. 

“Claude, what exactly does it mean to weave to a flower crown in the Garland Moon?” 

_Oh good a question he knew._

“It is made and given to a significant other or even a close friend.” 

_Easy._

“Good, now, what are the biggest celebrations in Adrestia, Faerghus and Leicester and how are they celebrated?” 

“I’m sorry what?” _That didn’t connect to the previous question at all._

“What are the biggest celebrations in Adrestia, Faerghus and Leicester and how are they celebrated?” 

Claude didn’t really know, but he could make an educated guess. It was the events that were on the calendar every student had in their room. And he said as much. 

“While those are big holidays, the ones I’m referring to are not in the calendar that the Church has because the Church doesn’t celebrate them.” 

_What? There’s holidays specific to one country that the Church doesn’t celebrate?_

Claude didn’t know. He was completely thrown for a loop. He didn’t know this stuff. He was about to play it off as his sleep deprivation until Lorenz cut in. 

“I can’t believe this! The future leader of the Alliance doesn’t know the important celebrations of each country! How could you not know? What were you raised by barbarians!? The Leicester Alliance celebrate the birth of the stag and doe!” 

It devolved from there. The chaos of the classroom wasn’t due to usual mischief but instead a yelling match. It seemed Claude was taking the brunt of the yelling. He was feeling cornered, attacked. 

He couldn’t run off either. 

The lunch bell rang just in time. The Deer stormed off to the mess hall. Claude was given a scathing lecture by Teach for not studying enough and by the time he made it to the mess hall, the Deer had picked a place to eat. Claude noticed that there wasn’t a place for him. He walked right back out before anyone saw him. 

The rest of the day was a series of unfortunate events. Claude was once again made out to be a fool who didn’t know anything about Fodlan. _He’s had a year to catch up. A year to catch up to people who were raised on this knowledge. He didn’t know._ And it wasn’t fair when Raphael or Leonie or Cyril or Flayn didn’t know this stuff because they weren’t raised noble. Instead they were gently corrected and didn’t receive the same cruel words thrown Claude’s way. Today he wished they were at the training grounds. At least he could seclude himself away with just his bow. 

Then dinner came. Claude walked in and none of the deer were there at all. He quickly grabbed his food and made his way outside. He ate quickly and as usual began to make his rounds. He didn’t see any of his deer for a while. His heart rate didn’t pick up. Not at all. He walked towards the Golden Deer classroom and heard voices coming from within. He walked in and saw every single one of his deer even Teach was there. They were laughing and chatting and he stayed in the doorway too long. They noticed him. It was then that they yelled at him to go away. _He didn’t belong here. Just go!_ And he did. 

He didn’t care who saw him. He turned and ran. His eyes didn’t water. His vision didn’t blur with tears filling them up and overflowing. He didn’t run out of the Monastery and into the woods to hide and let the tears fall freely. _He didn’t._

He collapsed against a tree. He leaned his weight upon it and his knees hit the grass. His hands dung into the soil as his tears fell and he struggled to catch his breath. 

He stayed there for what seemed like hours. 

He didn’t remember falling asleep. 

When he woke the moon was high in the sky. He trudged back to the Monastery. He didn’t bother to place his smile back on. 

It was pointless. 

He walked into the Monastery and noticed with high levels of concern that there were no Knights stationed anywhere. Claude began his rounds as his heart rate spiked. He searched the dorms, the classrooms, the library, the mess hall, the stables, the training grounds, the cathedral. No one was there. _No one was there._

It was empty. Completely empty. The dorms were cleared of all belongings. The classrooms were striped bare, the kitchens lacked all food, and even the library had been cleared of books. Everything was gone. 

Claude was alone. He was completely alone. He hadn’t felt like this since he was a child. He hadn’t felt completely alone ever since he gained the trust of Qamar, his beautiful and trusty wyvern, when he was eight. He didn’t miss this feeling. He didn’t miss feeling lost and terribly alone. 

He went to the one place he knew he could find comfort. 

He walked to the fishing pond and stood at the end of the dock. He looked up to the night sky. The only thing that made his worldly problems seem so insignificant. It was empty too. The stars and moon that filled the sky were gone. It was just darkness. Darkness everywhere. 

_Where did everybody go?_

Claude stood there for so long. The chill of the night was beginning to seep into his bones. His knees gave out. He collapsed and curled in on himself. He’d get up in a bit. He would. He just didn’t know what he’d do then. 

_Knock knock!!_   
  


“Claude you’re late!” 

Claude jerked awake. Hilda’s voice came from outside of his room. It was a dream. 

_It was just a dream._

Claude was still breathing heavily and tried to get it under control. 

“I’m up! Give me a moment!” 

Claude then proceeded to do his regular morning routine.

He gets himself presentable and readies his signature smile (if it’s a little fragile a little wobbly he keeps practicing till it’s perfect).

He couldn’t keep practicing his smile today. 

And if Claude’s smile portrayed the negative feelings roiling underneath his skin, no one said anything. 

**Author's Note:**

> Day eight it done! I love the headcannon that Claude is actually soft and loves all of the members of his house even if he doesn't show it. His actions speak way louder than his words. I realize now I beat up Lorenz a bit but pre-timeskip Lorenz is not cool. I wish Claude could get the snuggles he deserves but it didn't fit in this fic. But either way, I'm happy with how this turned out. I hope you enjoy. I got several more days to go!


End file.
